plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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