hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I can text with my tongue
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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