Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
