Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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