She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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