Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
