I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
