i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
