Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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