I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
