did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
