My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
