see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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