some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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