I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
