He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
