woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
