Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
