Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
