I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
