It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
