i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
