If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
