You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
