After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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