My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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