I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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