and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we made out on top of his cat.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
