I puked a lego.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
