he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
