I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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