I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
