Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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