need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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