How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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