I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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