So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
