No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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