does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
