Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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