I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
