I think im going to throw up on grandma
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
