just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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