I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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