you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
