He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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