found the other keg... it's in the tree
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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