in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
