I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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