You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
