Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I could make wine with my vomit
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
